How I survived my day off

Yesterday I had a rare day off.
Those are few and far between, and I spent it pretty wisely.

I did as close to nothing as I possibly could.
The night before I did not set my alarm.
That in itself makes me just about as happy as pig in mud.
I tried to sleep late, but, alas, I think my body is now programed to wake when light through my bedroom window breaks.
I paid no heed to the morning sun, rolled over and tried to drift off again, but soon my phone put an end to my slumber when it suddenly bleated.
I looked at the screen. It was the office.
I answered, still in a foggy sleep stupor, and was told to stay out of the office for the time being because I was a fugitive from a fundraiser.
(That’s another story for another blog post, which will never be written, but rest assured I am on the right side of the law.)
I informed the office it was my plan to stay far, far away since I wasn’t required to be there and hung up.
Trying to sleep was less than useless. I looked at the clock and realized I had less than an hour to arrive at my orthotics appointment, which was about 30 minutes away.
My feet hit the floor. I showered and dressed swiftly and ran out the door without putting on my shoes.
Mama and I sped to the office and arrived fashionably late, 15 minutes after I was supposed to have been there.
I was there to have my leg braces fixed, which are built into a holes they cut into my shoes.
Since the nice people at the orthotics office have been making braces for some time with a measure of success, I try to listen to their instructions.
When I made the switch from my old, plastic braces — which sat on the inside of my shoe between the sole and my heel and rubbed my feet as raw as a diaper-rashed baby’s butt — to the metal braces which are on the outside of my shoe, they advised me to purchase a certain style of shoe because apparently they’re easier to cut.
I complied, but I have discovered two problems with the shoes.

Problem 1: They’re expensive. I’m not complaining, but it’s difficult dropping a Benjamin on a pair of shoes only to have them be sliced open a few minutes later.

Problem 2: They’re brown. Frankly, they’re doo-doo brown. I’ve gotten used to it, though.

Meanwhile, after we dropped my braces and brown shoes off at the office I was barefoot in the city.
Mama decided she needed to go to the fabric store so off we went to the fabric store.
Since I was barefooted and it was hotter than the Sahara, I stayed in the car and listened to the radio.
This was all well and good until I made the mistake of trying to put my socks on and nearly broke all of the toes on my right foot on the dashboard.
Then I had an idea. I flung the door open and flipped both feet out of the car.
It was at this point I realized I am, in fact, a genius.
The asphalt parking lot was absolutely scorching, and I felt the heat blister the bottom of my feet before they even touched the ground. They never did, either. Once I was back in the car, I realized I had another problem.
One of my socks was nowhere to be found.
After a frantic search, which ended after I realized I was sitting on the missing sock, we went back to the office to pick up my braces.
There, I was informed each and every one of the springs that make the braces work were broken and suddenly I knew why I spent the last month walking like the guy pushing the “Bring out your dead” cart in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
We went to eat at a Mexican restaurant where the nachos are like little pieces of Heaven on a plate.
We made our way to a store where I promptly hopped on a scooter, ran it into a picture frame and watched in horror as the frame fell to the ground in slow motion and hit with a thundering crash that reverberated throughout the building.
In my defense there was a beam in the middle of the aisle on one side and the frame was protruding way out in my path.
I picked it up, backed up so fast I spun out and headed toward the electronics section.
I didn’t find anything I couldn’t live without, but I left the store with a pack of new pens and then I forgot to take them to work today.
We went home before I destroyed the store, and I sat in the recliner for the rest of the day. That was glorious, and that’s how I know I am getting really old.
I was tasked with running the Powerpoint during my church’s Vacation Bible School so I left the recliner and went to fix the computer, which I accidentally messed up yesterday.
It turned out an easy fix so I ended up roasting in the church balcony for a few hours before I went to the kitchen to eat some Jello, which is always in abundance during VBS.
When the show was over I went home and stayed there.
I enjoyed my day off, but I learned a lesson after the broken springs, scooter wreck and baking balcony.
If I ever get another day off, I think I’ll lock myself in the house.

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